Funny Sick Jokes
Doctors sample
One day, a sick guy went to a doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".
Betty Swollocks
Scuba Death
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Mary Hinge
Fishing
One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."
The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"
"Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a blow job.... or Three, you take it up the ass!"
The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ASS?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes shitty and stuff!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Keith Burtons
Widow
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Steve's widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Trevor Nyanalsex
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