Funny Irish Jokes - There's something in the water they're all mad
An Irishmans lunchbox
Paddy an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and Paddy said, "Potato and cabbage! If I get potato and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day Paddy opens his lunch box, sees potato and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.
The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!
The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch"
Submitted by Keith Burtons
Checkpoint Charlies
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Submitted by Sandra Bollock
Technological Advances
Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
Submitted by Berty Dum
Two is better than one
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Submitted by Myra Ancoatsplit
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