A man walks into a Chinese Take Away restaurant and orders Chicken and Chips. He takes his order outside and bites into the chicken... It's DISGUSTING!!! He takes it back and shouts "This Chicken's Rubbery!" and the restauranteur says... "Aww flank u vely much".

Submitted by Alf Abett

A Lorry driver was taking a lorry full of monkeys to the zoo when his lorry broke down. He got out and checked under the bonnet but couldn’t find the problem so he got on his phone and called the RAC for help. They told him their mechanics were busy and wouldn’t get out to him for three hours.

It was a hot day and his monkeys hadn’t had any food or water they’d already been on the road for a few hours.

Frustrated the lorry driver flagged down a passing lorry and shouted up to the cab,“Hey can you take my monkeys to the zoo, it’s not far away and I’ll give you fifty quid?” Paddy O Murphy, leaned out of his cab and said, “Why sure, it’ll be no problem” and took the fifty quid.

It took the pair of drivers over forty minutes to load all the monkeys from one lorry to the other as the monkeys kept escaping. Finally they did it and the driver watched as Paddy ‘O’ Murphy drove off.

Then the driver waited for his mechanics to turn up. Nearly three hours passed by when, there in the distance, the driver spotted Paddy ‘O’ Murphy’s Lorry coming back again. He jumped up, waving his arms, flagged the lorry to a halt. He could hear all the monkeys still in the back of Paddy’s lorry.

The now angry driver shouted “Hey! Why haven’t you taken my monkeys to the zoo?” to which Paddy ‘O’ Murphy replied “Oh, for sure, I took them to the zoo but that only cost thirty pounds so now I’m taking them to the cinema.

Submitted by Ali Bye

What's the difference between a Jazz Musician and a pizza?
A pizza can usually feed a family of four!

Submitted by Tom T.